Midnight visitors

(Get your mind out of the gutter! It's about my kids.)

Caroline is turning nine. Jack is almost six and a half. Why, why, why can I still not sleep through the night? I am still tired all the time. Wasn't that supposed to disappear when I stopped paying preschool tuition? Apparently not in my house.

While there are many, here are the top five recurring reasons I am awoken every night:

1. "Sleeping is boring." This is usually followed by Jack shining a flashlight on our eyes to see if we're "really asleep."

2. Caroline goes nose-to-nose with me and, in stinky sleeping breath, asphyxiates me when she says (in an annoyingly breathy and urgent voice), "I lost an earring in my bed. Can you find it? Now??"

3. Either child: "I'm cold." "I'm hot." "I'm itchy." "I'm lonely." "I can't find my blanket/pillow/stuffed animal/DS." (That last one is a joke, because I feel like that DS is omnipresent. I despise it. I would gladly flush it down the toilet if it wouldn't result in thousands of dollars being spent on the ensuing plumbing problems.)

4. "Can I please have a sip of the water by your bed?"

(Just drink the damn water; you don't need permission! Don't wake me up to ask that! That ranks high with shaking me awake to announce, "I have to go to the bathroom." DO YOU NEED AN ESCORT???)

5. My barnacle -- Jack -- wants to "cuddle." Aggressively. Completely. In an encompassing, suffocating way. (Whit and I call this "getting barnacled." It happens often.)

If none of those things happen, do I get a good night's sleep?

No, that's when the dog usually farts. And no one can sleep through that.