Friday, April 8, 2011

There’s already poop in the toilet…and other indignities of raising kids

Here’s my top ten list:

1. Really, poop already in the toilet when you walk into the bathroom. Are they afraid it’s like an amputation if they flush?

2. You have to do things you really, positively, absolutely DO NOT want to do. Like get in a really cold swimming pool. Or play another round of Go Fish. Or wake up.

3. If you try to teach them a lesson about responsibility, like putting their shoes in the closet so the dog doesn’t pick them up and hide them, you’re the one who suffers when they can’t find them and you’re already late for school. So you run around like a lunatic while they finish watching Phineas and Ferb.

4. There is no adult body part that is off limits to little hands. It’s like they own your body. My chest is not a pillow, and neither is Daddy's tummy.

5. You can’t ever take a shower without interruption. Unless they’re totally, physically out of the house. Maybe out of the state.

6. Not once can you eat or drink something in their presence when they won’t want a bite or a sip. A big bite, or a slobbery sip. Is it bad parenting if you refuse to consume backwash??

7. If you, God forbid, pass gas, they notice. And comment. “Wow, Dad, that was a soft, quiet, long-lasting one.”

8. You can’t converse with another adult. You can barely converse with another kid without an aggressive interruption. In the middle of a sentence, I’ll hear, “I didn’t go to the bathroom ONCE today! That’s a record!”

9. You’re so worried about their self esteem that you have to listen to gross conversations. Like when they talk about what they found in their nose. Or what it was like to pick a scab.

10. You can’t ever tell them how to really handle a situation. You can’t say, “Just punch your sister and then she’ll back off” and you can’t say, “Tell your friend she’s being a bitch.” But, as adults, we know it would work.

Parenting. It's not glamorous, but we love it.


  1. You are hilarious! I could relate to so many of these. Thanks for the laugh. I am going to bed with a smile knowing my kids are not the only ones who seem to want to "show" what they just did in the toilet!

  2. One day, after three solid days of three kids fighting, my middle child came down and said "big brother hit me." I was beyond reason and good mommy was out at tea. Bad mommy stepped in "go beat him up until he can't stand see if that does it." Guess what end of fighting period. Also scared of mommy for next two days. Silence is golden.