A very bad four-letter word

Betcha I can make you scratch your head.

Because that’s what happens whenever someone starts talking about lice.
Really, what an awful concept. It’s not enough that you literally have BUGS laying EGGS on your HEAD…it’s that they infest couches and carpets and pillows and hats and car seats and YUCK a control freak like me would just lose her mind. They’re resilient and they multiply and they burrow and they suck blood and they bite and they are just evil little critters.

No. We haven’t had lice. Yet. (Knock on wood, throw salt, say a prayer.)

And, in my control-freak way, I am convinced it has to do with the all-out preventive lice assault I launch every time I hear the word.

Jack and Caroline know the drill.

Short hair for boys, pony tails for girls. Don’t share hats. Don’t share pillows. Don’t share brushes. Don’t hug anyone who’s itchy (because, even if it’s not lice, excessive itchiness is never a good sign).

And then my products…a full lice-prevention system. Lice repellent shampoo. Lice repellent conditioner. Lice repellent spray I put on the dog, even though dogs can’t get lice. Not taking any chances, even with Bo.

(Jack: “Mommy, really, I’m a boy. I don’t want hairspray.” “Heard of Donald Trump, Jack? The man is sprayed within an inch of his life and he’s not complaining. So just close your eyes and don’t breathe for a minute.”)

Once Caroline had a friend come home with her and she was scratching her head like crazy, so I wouldn’t let her in the house – I took them to a park, even though it was 50 degrees and drizzly. Sure enough, the next day her mom told me she had lice. (And a cold. Oops.)

Yesterday, a kindergarten mom told me her daughter had lice, and she wanted me to tell the other parents but not mention her daughter’s name. I told the teacher, who subconsciously pulled her long hair into a lice-repellent ponytail while we were talking. I emailed the parents, and a mini witch hunt ensued: “Who has it?” “Boy or girl?” “Long or short hair?” “Was it up in pigtails or down at school today?” “Does (my kid) play with the kid who has it?”

Yes, it’s the plague of elementary school. And I know the universe is going to laugh like crazy some day and give us a whopping, crawling case of lice, but at least I’ll go down fighting.

And itching.

So are you scratching your head yet?