A while back, I posted an article I wrote a long time ago (seven years ago) about the similarities between dogs and children. Well, since then, I’ve aged (in years, wisdom and clarity), and I now feel as though I have a more accurate similarity to report.
Why having a husband and having children are basically the same thing:
1. Both have stupid ideas. The kids want to stick erasers up their noses to see how many fit. My husband wants to see if beer hats work.
2. Both see no logical reason to make a bed.
3. When I say, “We can’t afford that,” both look at me blankly.
4. Both leave their shit all over the place, just waiting for me to trip, stub my toe, and say the f-word out loud.
5. Both walk over to the refrigerator, open it, and say, “There’s nothing to eat.” Even if I’ve just been to the store. It’s almost Pavlovian.
6. Both complain about doing any household chores. How the hell else would I have learned how to snake a toilet or identify the fossil of a dead cracker found at the bottom of the craft box??
7. Both think that if I’m reading a book, watching the news or pausing in a conversation on the phone, it’s a great time to talk to me.
8. When they want to cuddle at night, both want to breathe directly onto my face. Who can sleep through that?
9. Both ask if their clothes match. (Kids: Who cares? Husband: You’re FORTY FOUR. I know your mother taught you well. Your synapses have now officially given up on you.)
10. If our house caught fire, everyone would freeze, look at me, and ask me what my plans were.
If you don’t believe me that they're the same, ask my friend, who is currently traipsing through Harry Potter World with her husband and nine-year-old daughter. That trip is the only thing her husband wanted for his 50th birthday. If you look at her carefully worded posts on Facebook, you’d say to yourself, “How adorable! That cute little family really loves Harry Potter and enjoys eating fried food for every meal!”
My friend called yesterday: “Shoot me now.”
Most of us moms privately agree that if it weren’t for the whole sex thing, lesbians have got it all going on.