Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A mother by any other called a wife

A while back, I posted an article I wrote a long time ago (seven years ago) about the similarities between dogs and children. Well, since then, I’ve aged (in years, wisdom and clarity), and I now feel as though I have a more accurate similarity to report.

Why having a husband and having children are basically the same thing:

1. Both have stupid ideas. The kids want to stick erasers up their noses to see how many fit. My husband wants to see if beer hats work.

2. Both see no logical reason to make a bed.

3. When I say, “We can’t afford that,” both look at me blankly.

4. Both leave their shit all over the place, just waiting for me to trip, stub my toe, and say the f-word out loud.

5. Both walk over to the refrigerator, open it, and say, “There’s nothing to eat.” Even if I’ve just been to the store. It’s almost Pavlovian.

6. Both complain about doing any household chores. How the hell else would I have learned how to snake a toilet or identify the fossil of a dead cracker found at the bottom of the craft box??

7. Both think that if I’m reading a book, watching the news or pausing in a conversation on the phone, it’s a great time to talk to me.

8. When they want to cuddle at night, both want to breathe directly onto my face. Who can sleep through that?

9. Both ask if their clothes match. (Kids: Who cares? Husband: You’re FORTY FOUR. I know your mother taught you well. Your synapses have now officially given up on you.)

10. If our house caught fire, everyone would freeze, look at me, and ask me what my plans were.

If you don’t believe me that they're the same, ask my friend, who is currently traipsing through Harry Potter World with her husband and nine-year-old daughter. That trip is the only thing her husband wanted for his 50th birthday. If you look at her carefully worded posts on Facebook, you’d say to yourself, “How adorable! That cute little family really loves Harry Potter and enjoys eating fried food for every meal!”

My friend called yesterday: “Shoot me now.”

Most of us moms privately agree that if it weren’t for the whole sex thing, lesbians have got it all going on.


  1. Yours wait until you pause in a phone conversation to talk to you???

    WTF?? You are living the dream, yo, and don't even know it!

  2. Kim has the real perspective!!!

  3. It's unfortunate that you have this situation. It should be noted, for everyone's benefit, that there are many very capable, giving, understanding men who do share the load of household chores and child-rearing.

  4. I absolutely LOVE your blog!!! And as LA can attest, I look forward to 4pm everyday and reading your newest post! (and have been meaning to send you a note offline about this for a while)

  5. I get such a kick out of your blog and look forward to receiving it in my inbox daily :) I am guessing your husband does his fair share around the house -- but writing about what he DOES do wouldn't provide nearly as much entertainment for the rest of us! Thanks for the laughs -- keep it up!

  6. If Mama Drama were about good, attentive men, fathers and husbands then Mama Drama should change it's name - then the blog would put us to sleep instead of making us laugh.

  7. I need to print this out and stick it on my fridge. It's so true