Thursday, October 6, 2011

Breakfast. The most exhausting meal of the day.

This was our breakfast table conversation this morning:

Caroline: Ava got a new guinea pig for her birthday. It’s a boy.

Me: How exciting! He can come play with Lilly.

Caroline consults her guinea pig information sheet: No, he's too young. They can’t play together until he’s...he’s...what’s this word?

Me: Neutered.

Caroline looks at me expectantly. I sigh.

Neutered means they won’t have babies.

Jack: How can a boy have babies?

Me, warily: A boy can’t have babies. But it takes a male and a female to have babies.

Jack: Why?

Me: Isn’t it time for school?

Jack: No, really, why? I want to know.

Me, sighing again: Okay. A male has sperm, and a female has eggs. That’s true with guinea pigs or dogs or people. The sperm and the egg together make a baby.

Jack: How?

Me: Well, the sperm gets to the egg and they combine.

Jack: But how does the sperm get to the egg? With people?

Quick “A goes into B and you get C” explanation.

Jack: Hee hee hee. Caroline, Mommy said penis.

Jack: Penis. That’s a funny word.

Jack, confidentially: My penis is very interesting.

Caroline: Can you tell Jack to stop saying penis? It’s gross. I’m eating.

Jack: PEEEEnis. PeNISSS. Penis penis penis.

Caroline: Mom. Please.

Me: No more penis talk. Let’s go to school.

Jack: Why are we talking about this anyway?

Caroline: Yeah, Mommy, isn’t that a little inappropriate? He’s only in first grade.

Jack: I’m telling my friends you said penis.

Me: Jack, YOU said penis. And you brought it up.

Jack: There you go again. You said it again.

Caroline to Jack: I’m sorry she keeps saying that. It’s totally inappropriate. I was just talking about Ava’s guinea pig.

Me, mentally getting down on my hands and knees and slamming my head into the pavement over and over: Goodbye, kids. Love you. Have a good day.

Caroline, over her shoulder: And no more inappropriate talk when you pick us up, okay?

Sidekick Jack: Yeah.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should blame it on the stork and keep your mouth shut.

No comments:

Post a Comment