This was our breakfast table conversation this morning:
Caroline: Ava got a new guinea pig for her birthday. It’s a boy.
Me: How exciting! He can come play with Lilly.
Caroline consults her guinea pig information sheet: No, he's too young. They can’t play together until he’s...he’s...what’s this word?
Caroline looks at me expectantly. I sigh.
Neutered means they won’t have babies.
Jack: How can a boy have babies?
Me, warily: A boy can’t have babies. But it takes a male and a female to have babies.
Me: Isn’t it time for school?
Jack: No, really, why? I want to know.
Me, sighing again: Okay. A male has sperm, and a female has eggs. That’s true with guinea pigs or dogs or people. The sperm and the egg together make a baby.
Me: Well, the sperm gets to the egg and they combine.
Jack: But how does the sperm get to the egg? With people?
Quick “A goes into B and you get C” explanation.
Jack: Hee hee hee. Caroline, Mommy said penis.
Jack: Penis. That’s a funny word.
Jack, confidentially: My penis is very interesting.
Caroline: Can you tell Jack to stop saying penis? It’s gross. I’m eating.
Jack: PEEEEnis. PeNISSS. Penis penis penis.
Caroline: Mom. Please.
Me: No more penis talk. Let’s go to school.
Jack: Why are we talking about this anyway?
Caroline: Yeah, Mommy, isn’t that a little inappropriate? He’s only in first grade.
Jack: I’m telling my friends you said penis.
Me: Jack, YOU said penis. And you brought it up.
Jack: There you go again. You said it again.
Caroline to Jack: I’m sorry she keeps saying that. It’s totally inappropriate. I was just talking about Ava’s guinea pig.
Me, mentally getting down on my hands and knees and slamming my head into the pavement over and over: Goodbye, kids. Love you. Have a good day.
Caroline, over her shoulder: And no more inappropriate talk when you pick us up, okay?
Sidekick Jack: Yeah.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should blame it on the stork and keep your mouth shut.