Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving to the friends I’ve talked to in recent weeks...the ones who have regaled me with their plans for the holidays. Thanks for making me laugh.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, the one with the happy turkey and the odd houseguests. And the bears.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, the one who will have to taste the pies of two warring great-aunts and submit your vote to be tallied, so that the winner can gloat and the loser can get drunk.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who will travel hours to sit at an abnormally small table with distant relatives and an OCD hostess who can’t stop cooking and will have made two turkeys, eight pies, four stuffings and three applesauces.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, matron of the family with the most drama, where divorces and diagnoses and affairs are always inevitably announced at holiday dinners. And no one drinks.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who has acted like a camp counselor planning a day of turkey bingo, turkey mad-libs, a scavenger hunt and a football game just to keep your two kids from killing each other.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who will use planes, trains and automobiles to go over the river and through the woods, only to be insulted by a mother-in-law who thinks her son could’ve done better.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who told all your family members you’re busy so you can sit inside and spend the day with your own immediate family and watch movies, which is exactly how you want to spend the day. Even if it's a little strange.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who will bite your tongue, smile politely and accept your in-laws' traditions as your own, despite the fact that yes, you're right, they're illogical and only acceptable to senior citizens and kids under three.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, already so exhausted by your children's pre-Thanksgiving excitement that you might actually expire before the turkey does.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who has vowed to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of wine. And a straw. Starting in the morning.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, desperately trying to come up with a unique and slightly raunchy answer to the round-the-table game of "what are you thankful for?" so you can shake things up a bit.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who will nervously attend an elegant dinner with two messy little boys and an old guy who coughs up phlegm and says, "WHAT???" often.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, who already plans to wake up at 4 am on Black Friday to hit the sales. Because that’s what Thanksgiving is really about. (And you've got my list, right?)
And happy Thanksgiving to my little family, and the extended one we will visit. For better or for worse, it just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving if we weren’t all together, in one tightly wound, thoroughly dysfunctional group. We could be worse off. Trust me.