(You think that you can assume that the two girls wore the
dresses. But you haven’t met my
brothers.)
Four of us live here, and one of us doesn’t. So the doesn’t one came in town to visit us and my dad over the weekend.
Four of us live here, and one of us doesn’t. So the doesn’t one came in town to visit us and my dad over the weekend.
I texted his twin a few weeks ago: Do we have any plans for
the night Mathew is in town?
He responded: Thanks for offering. Your house, dinner party, 7 pm. Get lots of wine and lock up the dog, because
I get frisky when I drink.
(He’s totally kidding.
This is the twisted sense of humor that runs in our genes.)
I love my family. I do. But they exhaust me. As they did Saturday night.
I bet my family dinner party is totally unlike any dinner
party you’ve ever attended in your entire life.
Why? Well.
For example…one brother wouldn’t drink wine that cost less than $50 a bottle. I was hiding the good wine from him and, at the same time, I couldn’t convince another brother to take his motherf**ing Budweiser beer can off my beautifully set table.
For example…one brother wouldn’t drink wine that cost less than $50 a bottle. I was hiding the good wine from him and, at the same time, I couldn’t convince another brother to take his motherf**ing Budweiser beer can off my beautifully set table.
For example…a third brother occupied himself with magazines
and scissors for a frighteningly long time.
I later realized he was replacing my framed photos with the pictures he
was cutting out.
Don’t believe me? I
don’t know any of these people. And I
don’t take pictures of salmon fillets.
For example…my more-elderly-than-his age, previously
dignified father responded to the question “What have you been up to?” with a
grin and an enthusiastic “I’ve been watching Girls Gone Wild!” (I don't actually know what that is. And I'm scared to Google it. I don't want to have to evict the old guy.)
For example…my very funny neighbor stopped by to bring me
scallions. And realized this wasn't your ordinary dinner party. And pulled up a chair. And stayed.
When her irritated husband called her home to walk the dog, she went
home, got the dog, came back in the house, let the dog off the leash and poured
another glass of wine.
For example…she wasn’t the only neighbor who came over with
a dog, let the dog off the leash inside and poured a glass of wine.
For example…when I look at the pictures taken of my dad and
his five kids, someone is always holding asparagus spears so they look like
they’re coming out of my father’s ears.
For example….there were five empty beer bottles balanced on
top of my family room ceiling fan on Sunday morning. Just daring someone to turn it on.
I am, undoubtedly, the most conservative, staid member of
the bunch. I think my sister sensed my feeling
that I was losing control, so she arranged a little outing for us on Sunday:
I was a pretty good shot.
So next dinner party? I’ll keep everyone in line.
sounds like fun! :-)
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