Monday, September 3, 2012

Oh, summer. I’ll miss you, you crazy season.

I get weirdly attached to things. I remember a watermelon barrette I loved and lost when I was nine. I remember and miss every detail of my childhood home, though I haven't lived in it in nearly 30 years. I can think back to favorite 80’s Benetton sweaters that didn’t get tossed until my friends did a fashion the 90’s.

Unfortunately, I got very attached to this past summer. This is odd, in that every living mother with elementary school-aged children usually wants summer to end a solid two weeks before it does.

Not me. Not this year. I wanted more flashlight tag, more watermelon, more beach/bay/mountain trips, more picnics, more relaxation. More time not worrying a bit about what time it was. More time with my kids. More time as a family.

I’m sad it’s over. So I think I’ll try a little reverse psychology to snap myself out of it.

Ah-hem. Here is a heartfelt list of things I WON’T miss about summer. Not one bit.

1. Living in a bathing suit, and sucking in my stomach all the time. I sucked it in until it almost touched my spine. I did that so religiously that one would expect me to have sculpted abs from the inside out. But I don’t.

2. The inertia that overcomes children if they’re still in their pajamas at 9 am. So it’s noon and they’re saying, "What are we having for breakfast?"

3. The expectation that there will be a big breakfast every day of the week. And thus, an abundance of bacon. And sausage. I’m tired of eating things that oinked.

4. Being forced to get in the pool. Remembering everyone pees in the pool. Watching my kids fill their mouths with pee pool water and spit it at me.

5. The constant OCD that is sunscreen application. And reapplication. And touch ups. And the maternal defensive panic that arises when another mother comments on your child and says, with a superior grimace, "Oooh, he’s getting so red! Look at those shoulders!" Yeah, well, bite me. That’s why God created aloe.

6. Constant sweat. Constant wondering if there’s a stronger deodorant I should buy. Constant wondering if someone close to me is stinky enough to actually be hitting puberty.

7. Bright sunlight at 9:00 pm. Convincing children it is, actually, night and they should go to bed. Stealthily applying superglue to their eyelids. (Kidding. But I considered it.)

8. Running errands with children, because I could be in a funeral home looking at caskets and they will still find something they want me to buy for them.

9. The perils of water. Chlorine that turns eyes red and hair green. Waves that knock you down and leave sand all the way inside your ears. Jellyfish. Gross blobs on the beach you can’t identify but need to step over.

10. Trying to in vain to accomplish everything on the kids' list of "Things We Will Do This Summer." I’m goal-oriented, and it still annoys me that we didn’t make it to the watermine family swimmin’ hole. I asked Whit to go with me last Wednesday and told him that if we'd just float around the lazy river once I could cross it off, but he rolled his eyes and went back to work.

So, you summer-lovin' self, see how much you won't miss? So live a little. Un-suck in your stomach.

Ahhh, that worked. It does feel good to unsuck. Bring on the foliage. And, while I'm unsucking, the caramel apples. And, hell, maybe some pizza. Hot fudge sundaes...

Oh, yeah. Me and fall are going to get along just fine.

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