Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The me the spam sees

Be honest. Have you ever actually looked at your spam emails, before hitting select all/delete? I really hadn't. Until today. And I was appalled by the opinion some seem to have of me, so I really couldn't resist the urge to set the record straight.

To the spammers who think they know me so well:

I have no plans to go back to school. I do not want a degree in criminal law, elementary education, preschool education, special education or child welfare. I do not need more stamina in the bedroom or while I’m running, and I’m not worried about my penis getting larger. I don’t know any rich uncle in Nigeria who may have died and left me vast sums of money. I did not order a power wheelchair. I don’t believe that there are that many child predators living near me. I’m not depressed or a compulsive shopper. I am not Hispanic and my digestive health is not in trouble. I could use a little laser hair removal, but not to the degree you seem to think is required. If you can’t spell "terminated" then I don’t believe you have access to my checking account, or the power to "terminalate" it. I do not need to battle substance abuse unless it’s saying no to a glass of wine after I read through all these ridiculous emails. I am not on Medicare. My dog doesn’t have fleas. My credit score didn’t change. I’m not incontinent or looking for a hot married man who wants to fool around. I do not have any undiagnosed skin disorders or sensory malfunctions. Plantars warts do not plague me, I do not poop by mistake when I run or wet my pants when I laugh and I do not feel personally responsible for the plight of the sea turtles or the problems with the ozone.

Spammers, send me the emails about free burritos. Send me the sales, the free shipping, and let that email telling me I’m the snack mom for the soccer game sneak on through.

But unless you sent the email that breathily announced, "207 local bitches wanna f**k" because you know I’m thinking about getting a puppy, you're really just not hitting your target audience.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant..almost soiled myself laughing. Now, if only email bots n phone robots had ears or consciences or pin holes that we could pour nitric acid into, then with your permission, this would be my answer-phone message to the incessant political doomsday calls to action, the support your local police fundraising scams and the rest of their illegitimate brothers and sisters.

    You have a gift girl...rant on