Sunday, May 19, 2013

Some things suck.

You know what sucks?


When you’re 43 years old.

Down a flight of stairs.


That all sucks.

Wearing your pink pajamas to an emergency room in the middle of the night sucks.

Forgetting to wear shoes because you’re in so much pain makes you feel like a homeless person, and that sucks.

(Remembering to put on a bra makes you feel like a put-together, albeit injured, homeless person. That doesn’t suck.)

A couple of concussions suck.

A twisted neck and back suck.

A black eye and bruised face suck.

A thumb with...wait for it...TWO!!!! very unusual and identical fractures that may or may not need surgery sucks.

A hot pink cast does not suck.

A stitched up knee that split open like a melon sucks.

Black and blue and pretty surely broken toes suck.

Putting those toes through an enthusiastic pedicure sucks.

It sucks that the pedicure is the most pressing task post-ER, because your toes are more embarrassing than your pajamas.

Having your kid tell you your body looks like Frankenstein sucks.

Having your husband spout forth an unending stream of battered wife jokes should suck...

...but the fact that laughing makes your face hurt sucks more.

Painkillers that make you feel sick suck.

A very comfortable bed does not suck.

Good night.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

With friends like these...

This past week was a WEEK. I was stressed, I was crabby, I was overwhelmed. I was forgetting things I never forget, like showing up in my son’s classroom to help. I had so many balls in the air I kept waiting for a biggie to drop.

At 3 a.m. Thursday, I woke with a start. We're Catholic, and I realized Jack’s First Communion was Saturday. I was supposed to have a luncheon for 25 people. And my Thursday and Friday were so packed with cemented to-dos I knew I didn’t have a minute to plan a menu, shop for groceries or make a single dish.

By 7 a.m., I was on the phone with one of my best friends from forever. We go way back – almost 30 years – and her family business is catering, so she was the 911 call I needed to make.

I explained my problem, and she yawned, and said, “I'm on it. I’ll handle it. By the way, the chef is going to kill you for always being last-minute with this stuff. You drive him nuts.”

“I know, I know. But I thought I could do it. And I can’t. And I’m the teacher for the second grade, so I’ve got to worry about getting all these kids through the mass. I can’t stress about the party.”

I knew the wheels were spinning in her head when she said, “Hmmm, I’ll tell him it won’t happen again.”

“Okay. Whatever. Thanks for saving me.”

Now, this particular friend of mine is Jewish. This has little bearing on anything, until she texted me the morning of the party.

“Did you invite the priest?” No.

“Don’t show your dad the cake. He’ll have a heart attack.” Okaaay…

“You love me, right?” Uh oh.

I ran over and opened the box.

She got the last laugh.