Monday, March 17, 2014

Spring: zero. Winter: a lot.

Winter got in a good sneak attack today. We went to bed last night expecting a few inches of snow, which is not crazy weird in March, and maybe gives us a school delay. We woke up to about nine inches and everything – from schools to the government – closed. Social media was instantly abuzz with locals complaining about the never-ending winter, never-ending snow, never-ending missed school days. I, on the other hand, hold an extremely unpopular view.

(Clears throat.)

Top Ten Reasons I Love A Snow Day

(even if it’s almost trampling the first day of spring)

1. I do not have to make school lunches under the duress of my daughter screaming, “I’m late! Where’s my lunch? What’s in it? I don’t like that!”

2. I do not have to administer a lie detector test to verify my son brushed his teeth. On snow days, I don’t actually care if teeth get brushed or beds get made.

3. I get to experience that childhood thrill of seeing our school on the list of closed schools. Remember what that was like? But back then I was listening to a radio under my Laura Ashley quilt and didn’t subsequently think, “Well, I’m not going to get a damn thing done today.”

4. Sledding. Come on. It’s like dressing up on Halloween or jumping on a trampoline; adults don’t do it…but adults with kids look perfectly normal on a saucer.

5. Shoveling. Don’t laugh; I race outside on snow mornings to shovel. One, it’s great exercise. Two, it appeals to my OCD personality. Three, no one wants to help so they all leave me alone.

6. Cookies. Pot roast. Comfort food. I actually gave up sweets for Lent (so, obviously, everyone suffers) but the pot roast is in the crock pot as we speak.

7. Proof of pet elimination. There’s color coded, visual evidence that proves whether she was just in a weird position or she’s done and I can go back inside. Plus, even squishy dog poop freezes on contact with snow and can be picked up easily.

8. The kids are exhausted from being outside, in twenty pounds of snow clothes, all day. I’m tired from cleaning up after them and mopping melted snow off the hardwood floors. The dog is tired because she’s a puppy and the snow is taller than she is, so a walk becomes a rapid series of vertical leaps.

9. This neighborhood full of new McMansion construction looks pristine. Even a hydraulic excavator looks good covered in snow.

10. Oh, look at that. It’s 5:00. My New Year’s resolution to never drink wine on a weeknight is clearly voided on a day I went careening down an icy hill, did three hundred loads of laundry and didn't try to sell my children on eBay.

Bottoms up, baby.

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